Let me tell you (insert ramble)
As a follower of Amanda Palmer's blog site it has been interesting to see the reactions of people when she started an open discussion about bullying and how it sometimes ends in tragedy when the victims can no longer stand to be a part of this world.
My own story would probably echo many others from the comments on her blog; lonely child who was bullied for my appearance, my family history, my accent, my lack of social skills and my love for anything considered a bit weird (RPG's, marching bands, literature ) It went on for most of my child-hood and my father only reacted to it once it became psychical with one boy in particular beating me up and dragging me through the class-room by my hair in front of the teachers who did nothing. It severely affected the way I acted at boarding school and high school. I was convinced that if people knew who I really was and how I felt they would mock me even more so I stayed away and only interacted with the other "weirdos". When I became an active Larper I entered a whole new world of being acknowledged for who I was but at the same time it was my secret world that I didn't share with more than a few select people. I quickly found that I could be myself around these new friends because they didn't judge me for being wacky. I have met a lot of amazing people through the Larp community and the last 10 years has shown me that it is okay to share emotions with other people that are not your immediate family. I thought I was grown up enough to put a distance between me and bullying for good, even joking that if I ever won an Oscar or any other great prize I would thank everyone who had ever mocked me, bullied me or otherwise made my life hell for being the main reason behind me inventing fantasy worlds. It was all behind me right?
Well it turned out it wasn't.
And when it happened again in my adult life I was just hit that much harder for believing that it was all over years ago.
This time the bullying came in the form of mental warfare from 20 grown men who thought that if they pushed me enough I would leave my job and everything could go back to how it was before. And they succeeded. From completely stone walling me to questioning every bit of my authority over them, they managed to push me to a place where I never wanted to find myself again. So I quit. I have had a few people tell me already that I was being to sensitive and that it probably wasn't as bad as I made it out to be. Maybe if I didn't have my back-ground I would agree with them and maybe I would have fought harder, but with years of experience in this field I knew it was only a matter of time before my students would have had to watch me break down in front of them and I wanted out before it came to that.
So here we are on the other side with a few more scars and a whole bunch of knowledge about myself and where my limits are. Time for a fresh start and to dream again (something that the people at my job center don't really encourage) about the possibilities the future might hold. I need my happiness back without having to fight for every little ounce of it. Somewhere in the process between student and I have learned a lot about myself and what challenges I might still face and the dream was always there in the back of my mind. Maybe someday I will share it with the internet, but for now it is between me and a select few people.
So after this rather long blog-post I want to say welcome! Welcome to a new section of my life and career that you will all have the chance to follow. My blog schedule (heavily borrowed from my good friend Mr. Scott http://www.shavenwookiee.wordpress.com) Is as follows:
Music Monday: Youtube clips with new, old, fascinating or just interesting music.
World-food Wednesday: Sharing recipies, ideas for cooking and pictures of jummy food production by yours truly.
Fiction Friday: Sharing my stories, reviews of other people's work, progress reports etc.
Silly Saturday: Put on a silly hat and join me in the world of Grumpy Cat, wacky anecdotes and random stand-up.
I will try as a standard to have the blogs up by 18.00 (CET +1) In between these scheduled things I might of course also put things up, but as a rule of thumb these are the 4 main days.
See you on the flip side comrades.